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No Man (or Woman) Is An Island

Bad Days

No Man (or Woman) Is An Island

You may not think talking to other parents is for you or that telling your

problems to a bunch of strangers could be any help at all.  Perhaps your grief seems too recent or too open to share.  Maybe you don't want people to see your hurt and disappointment, Or maybe you feel it's your problem and it's just too personal to share.  Or maybe you feel guilty, or angry.  Whatever the reason, you stay in isolation and fight the battle alone.

Having a disabled child is hard enough on a family.  First of all, you have no guidelines, and if it's your first child, well, it's even more of a mystery.  It's kind of like scuba diving without any scuba equipment.  There will be times when you're short of air and you feel like you're drowning.  And there's no life guard on duty either.

But if you're floundering around out there with other parents, someone may offer to pull you to shore, or they'll share their oxygen with you.  There will be a lot of buoys to swim towards and there may even be a life guard to throw you a life jacket if the current seems to be pulling you under.

The first time you go to a support group meeting, you may be disappointed.  Conversation may not flow, or it may flow too much and you may not get a chance to say anything at all.  One person may dominate the conversation and you may not be the least bit interested in what they're saying.  It may not seem like it's for you at all.  Not every support group will be right for you and maybe you should try to find another if the one you're in doesn't seem to fit.

But the benefits of being around others who share many of the same problems you do can be so advantageous to you.  You'll find that many of the feelings you don't even admit to yourself are shared by others.  Many of the unique problems you seem to encounter daily are not so unique after all.  Solutions to baffling situations may become evident to you as you listen to others.

You'll find out it's okay not to always like your child, that others have problems with grandparents and friends, that it's not your fault, that your concerns are shared by others and that you're not alone.  A handicapped child takes so much time and energy and the parents don't always feel as if it's worth the time and energy to arrange to go to meetings.  It may seem like just another "thing" that you have to do, but it will benefit the whole family.  You'll be around other adults like yourself, hear normal adult conversations and be able to go home with a slightly different, better perspective.  You'll begin to heal and accept.  You'll begin to think of the future differently, and hopefully, with a more positive attitude.

Time and again I've heard other parents say, "I found out I wasn't alone." when talking about support groups.  It's a statement that's part of nearly every parent's story.  If you haven't joined (or started) a support group, think about it.

So, swim in groups and when a big wave comes in that might drown you, you'll have people nearby to help you keep your head above water.

Bad Days

Who said life had to be fair?  I realize my life did not come with a guarantee stating I would be guaranteed happiness and success.  But even knowing this, I still have days when I resent other people's "normal" lives.  I rant and rave about the injustice of having two atypical kids and the way my life has turned out.

I long for that "normal" life, and I wish my biggest problem of the day was which dance studio to choose for the girls' dancing lessons or what dress to wear to the church social.  On these days I wish my kids belonged to anyone but me.  I did nothing to deserve this!

But then, after I've ranted and raved it all out of my system, I stop and think back to when my life was normal.  I still had bad days then, but the things I worried about!  Was my car clean, and were all the weeds pulled out of the cracks in the sidewalk and why hadn't so-and-so returned my call?

In retrospect, they were all so trivial.  At least now I have legitimate reasons to be upset.  We're talking about social injustice, poor professional attitudes and no health insurance.  These are issues that mean something and the decisions I make will have some pretty far reaching effects for my children.

My good friend, Jennifer, is so upset because the hair stylist cut her hair too short and it doesn't flatter her.  She's sure people will be staring at her for weeks.  Me, I could shave my head and people would still notice my kids first.  I might be a tiny bit upset if it happened to me, but I wouldn't have the time to agonize over it like she is doing.  There really are more important things to consider in my life.

I suppose I should be thankful that there is more depth to my life now and some days I am very aware of how the abnormal has changed my perspective and priorities for the better.  I don't have time anymore to make life miserable for my husband, and I'm too busy to worry about the social structure in my community. (I don't even have time to keep up with DAYS OF OUR LIVES anymore.)

Some days I am very aware of my change in attitude about some of the more important things in life and I thank God that I've come this far in this evolutionary process called life.  But the biggest fact I realize about all this is that I am NOT a super mom.  I can only do so much and the days when I do rant and rave are normal.  I am allowed to feel this way occasionally and I'm not a bad mother because I do feel this way.  It's a normal reaction to the stresses that a developmentally or physically handicapped child places upon a person.  I'm not a bad person because I feel this way sometimes.  I'm only human and I really think I am the best mother my kids could have.

...a story about the joys & fears of raising unique children